what's with everyone nowadays? What's happening?
I need to know so i can figure what's happening to me now?
People are saying things like "ohmygosh, i would not hurt you! No, i would not." But, what's reality is people do things, without thinking about what they had said before. Thus, people got hurt as a result. It just became an empty promise in the end.
SO, what can I do? I can only sit back & watch the "show", maybe I am included inside this "show" too.
I don't blame people of saying "No! You can't do this, you can't do that! You need to set good examples." Its just backfired when people arent doing what they taught me. (I don't know, but i felt abit betrayed... )
Anyone can make a difference, whether it is small / big. Anyone can hurt another person (directly or indirectly it didn't matter) What matters is whether the person knows he/she is hurting the victim or not, what others do not matter actually.
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Xinthesis II
I miss everyone! Xinthesis working comm, stage crews, teachers, NCC(warriors), ushers(who are uber hyper), performers. I miss Republic Poly theatre(like my playground) & the canteen's food. It's over now... it seems so fast. We had lots of fun & learn lots of things through this journey of 3months planning. It had been a total different experience from working with the SLs as the committee is made up of all students, except for me, char & des.
Many things happen during the planning period... How the stage managers(Chelsea, Mabel, me) & the Boss (ChenFan) worked together through many sleepless night. How we ate KFC together, & i almost got scolded for helping Msphan order the KFC by the office clerk at night. How we stayed in the staffroom, printing (&killing trees at the same time) all of the informations for the teachers. How we got to bond as a team. How we loved the mini printer we brought with us everywhere. How all of us got to play in the theatre & backstage... How we loved the touch-sensor tv in our GREEN room. How we got crazy about the NICER packet food we ordered. How we got ourselves into trouble and got scolded. How we got ourselves into unnecessarily scoldings (*hahas, inside joke) How we got pissed about the bus coming late for rehearsals. How we got anxious about stuffs (the $10 which had not been found) How we got to work with the teachers. How we got to know the Performing groups & adorable instructors (zhou lao shi & cai bo shi) HAHS!
Many thanks to people who have given us encoouragement all along...maybe i should start thanking people here, since i've got loads to say.
to Chen Fan: You did a great job, though for the english part can improve (jiayous!) love to see you looking strict!! (hahas)
to Chelsea: thanks for all the help! anyways, you are a very cute girl. though strict with ya sister, xD but on the stage right, everything will be in chaos when you are not there.
to Mabel: You, funny girl! Seriously, you are damn impt on that night & yeays! you make it a success together with us.Love you girl! (the pic i took with you was cute)
to me: luckily i didnt go bonkers! (hahas, saw too many things happening)
to XiaoDes: though u said ticketing have nothing much to do, i guess now you realised you are impt too! hahas, miss ya!
to YiXin: you funny scholar! thanks for selling the programme booklets, with you around the atmosphere became damn relax (you eat so little lurhs)
to Weiting: hey girl, thanks for being there when i was having my lowest point in the theatre. (i think im like crying when i was talking to you) you kept me thinking straight!
to XiaoChar: thanks for lending me support!
to others: UPDATE LATER!
One litres of tears is indeed a touching show, i cried more than one litres of tears i think, may get dehydration from it though, ohwells. I had copied down parts of what Aya(the female lead who had a strange incurable disease) had wrote in her diary.
"If I were a flower, then now I'd be a bud. I shall treasure the beginning of my youth without any regrets."
"Why did this disease choose me? I cannot carry it, if it's just for the word 'fate' "
"I want to build a time machine and revisit the past.
If it weren't for this disease, I might even be in love.
I want to cling on someone's arm so badly."
"Regret. Pitiful.
It's fine if I'm in pain by myself. But I'm also bringing trouble to the people around me."
"I really don't want to say things such as 'I want to go back to how things were before' I recognize how I am right now, and I will continue to live on."
"Therefore I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely, always."
"Even if it's like that, I still want to stay here. Because this is the place where I am."
"If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is also today stretching limitlessly and smiles at me...I'm alive."
What Asou(Aya's boyfriend) said to her:
"For me, as long as it's you saying it, it doesn't matter how slowly you say it, I'll still listen.
If you can't talk over the phone, then I'll come to see you, just like this.
I'm not a dolphin.
You, you're also not a dolphin.
If you want to walk, no matter how slow it'll be, I'll walk with you."
"To stop my pace, and live in the present. Even though there will be a day, that I will lose it, isn't it great that I could pass on a dream that I had to give up?"
"People should'nt dwell on the past.It's enough to try your best in all that you're doing now."
"The sounds, 'ma', 'wa', 'ba' and 'n' have become hard to pronounce. I can only breathe out air instead of saying it. So, I can't communicate with others. Recently, I have been talking to myself a lot. I didn't like it before, but to practice pronouncing, I have to do it. I will not give up on speaking... ..."
Poems that Aya wrote,
#1 The other side of suffering- Kitou Aya(the real girl)
Everyone feels pain,
But surely, after suffering satisfaction will arrive.
Even with sports, studying or other ordeals.
With life, it's like that for everyone.
If we can beat the pain, on the other side,
a rainbow of happiness awaits us.
That will definitely become a treasure.
Let's believe in that.
#2 Step by step
When my existence seems to disappear,
I will look for the place where I can do the best I can.
From now on, I'll deliberate slowly.
I won't be impatient.
I won't be greedy.
I won't give up.
Because everyone takes things step by step.
"The feelings of everyone stay deep within my heart. I can't even stand properly.
I can't speak properly. Nevertheless, this is my own body, so I can't give up.
18 year olds. Even for me, I expect there's a future for me too."
"I want to stay in the hospital. Doctor, please let me stay in the hospital. I don't want to do rehabilitation, only twice a week. If it carries on like this, I might not be able to walk. I don't want to give up walking, on my own feet yet."
A Love Letter for Asou (when she was 18)
To Asou-kun:
There are some things that I can't say to you face to face. So, I'm writing a letter. For always being by my side, thank you. For always encouraging me, thank you. You've found what you wanted to do, and are now working towards it. And seeing that makes me happy. You'll gain a lot of knowledge, and meet a lot of new people. From now on, you'll continue to live on. Your future is expanding by infinite proportions. But in my case, it's not the same. In the future that I have left, how should I go about living it? That's it. That's all that there is. There's nothing we can do about this difference. Everyday, I'm fighting against myself. I'm worried, and it's painful, to try to suppress such feelings. I've used up all my energy. Here's the truth. It's painful to be with Asou-kun. Wanting to do this, wanting to do that. Thinking that if I didn't get this disease, then I would be able to do them all. When I'm with Asou-kun, I'll keep on wanting a dream that can never come true. Of course, it's not Asou-kun's fault. But I'm envy you, and I feel sorry for myself. It doesn't matter what I do, but with the me right now, I'm becoming more miserable. If it stays like this, I won't have the courage to live on. Thank you for doing so much for me. For saying that you like me, even the way I am now, thank you. I'm sorry that I can't give you anything in return. I can't see you anymore.
"One day. One day when it comes, I want to sleep, amongst a lot of flowers."
"As I think about the past, the tears will come out.
Reality is too cruel, too brutal. I don't even have the right to dream.
As I think about the future, tears will come out again."
"Where should I head towards? Even if there isn't an answer, I'll feel better by writing it down. I've looked for a pair of helping hands. But I couldn't feel them, couldn't see them. I only face towards darkness, and hear the sounds of my hopeless screams."
"What am I still living for?"
"I'm scared. Right now, if I don't write down the things in my heart, tomorrow...then I would forget it and would disappear, right? The diary...is evidence that I'm alive right now."
"Everyone's crying expressions have become blurry because of the tears. I definitely will die, because of such a small thing(choking) right?"
Asou's thoughts-
Animals and plants already know their own life span when they were born.
Only humans are greedy, and want to prolong their lives.
Postcard written by a high school girl, in response to Aya's published diaries,
"I had thought if I died that it would be great. I have the same disease as Aya-san.
When the doctors said I couldn't be cured, I cried non-stop.
Slowly, I couldn't walk properly. At school, I kept on being stared at.
My boyfriend, whom I was dating, left me too.
Why did I have to face this?
Every single day, I asked my okaasan(mummy).
But, I read Aya-san's article, and I know that I'm not the only one who is in pain.
I realised that since I got the disease, I have always been looking down at the gorund.
I want to be strong like Aya-san. From now, even if I'm in pain and cry, I want to use that kind of feeling to be able to move forwards. I feel like this because of Aya-san."
And then, after 8 tormenting years, Kitou Aya passed away. I like her always cheerful character (even she cries alot, like me) but, she always bring joy to her family & friends. I always liked her strong perseverance. She persevered & didn't give up even though she knew she was going to die. Instead, she worked hard to make her disease progress slower. I like what she wrote in her diary, it always make me apply things in real life with what she said. I felt sad, as she is such a wonderful girl, with lots of talents & friends. But, I have learnt to treasure my family, friends, things even more. I have realised that many things will happen along the way, no body knows what's going to happen in the future. So, cherish everything that I have now, and don't regret in the future. Even a sick person like Aya, can live her life to the fullest, so I must strive for that too.
And, all i can say is,
many thanks to my family, friends, SLB, for accompanying me through the ups-and-downs. And thanks for this show, i finally can have a piece of my mind after a crying session. hahas.
Labels: i will be the happy princess soon
